A distant relative of mine goes by the nickname of Bornok, after the corpulent, somewhat naive character of local comic books (Jessica would know which one).

Though it is often times the case that, when describing people of stout stature, we readily employ adjectives: some seemingly apologetic, such as "large", some derogatory such as "baboy", or some more mean, "taba". But Bornok (obviously not his real name) can best be described with statistics. Bornok lets the numbers do the talking.

Let's start with 2, which is the number of fetuses the doctor was expecting at birth, given the size of the mother's tummy. Then, there's 14.5, which was Bornok's birthweight in pounds. Try 24, which is Bornok's length in inches. He had outgrown his infant crib on the third day. There's 32, which is the insufferable number of stitches the mother took because no one decided that a C-section had merits.

There's 4, which is the age at which Bornok could finish an entire chicken by himself in one sitting (his parents were dead serious sharing that fact). There's 15, which is the number of bananas he could snack on at a time.

Today, Bornok has finished college (thus, living down the naive part of his namesake) and is 6'3" and around 240 lbs. Good thing Bornok's a friend, because the last thing I'd want is to run into Bornokin a dark alley. That's another fact.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 09:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Mr. Ducat, now that you know that you can:

1. Do this at least twice in your lifetime.

2. Fake it.

3. Easily manipulate the media and the police, not to mention a senator.

4. Embarass the Philippine government on CNN.

5. Pass yourself on as some kind of Robin Hood and plunge the average Filipino into some kind of "ambush" moral dilemma.

Here are a few suggestions:

Continue reading "Dear Filipino Hostage Taker" »

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 10:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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At the Jollibee somewhere in Banawe Ave where you take cars to get fixed.

I guess customers have walked in and stolen entire sets of lavatory pipe fittings? They took the seat with them, apparently.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 08:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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I went to the foam factory along Marcos Highway the other weekend, to buy a foam mattress. The errand's author had clearly determined that "firmness" was a high priority for this purchase: make sure that it's firm, but not too firm.

With my interpretation in mind, I put my butt to the test. While I had never used my ass to lead a purchase decision, this trailblazing opportunity will soon prove that my ass will play a more major role than I had initially thought.

Upon arriving at the Uratex factory, I promptly engaged the sales representative. (My apologies to the non-Tagalog speaking readers, this is really more interesting in the local dialect.)

Me: Ano ba po yung mga iba-iba ninyong mga kutyon?

Her: Marami po.

Me: (Pleased that she is clearly intelligent.) Ano yung iba-ibang... tigas?

Her: Meron po kaming soft, firm, extra firm, hard saka perma hard.

Me: (Puzzled.)

Her: Meron din kaming matigas, sir. Pero malambot sa loob.

Me: Ano yung difference ng "firm" sa "hard".

Her: (Matter-of-factly.) Sir, mas matigas yung "hard".

Me: E, ano yung difference ng "extra firm" sa "perma hard"?

Her: Sir, yung permahard po dilaw.

Hence, I put my butt to the test to try to divine their product differentiators. I never sat and squiggled so many times in my life. Never did reflect upon the small but perceptible nuances of shimmying left to right, and rocking back and forth, the latter most useful in divining the significant differences between "hard" and "permahard". Hence, through the wisdom of my gluteus maximus, I had bought my foam mattress and was on my way.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 07:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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Sigh. I so crush Chuvaness that I want to give her something to smile about:

1. Philippines jobless rate came in at 7.8% in January, the National Statistics Office said Thursday. A year ago, unemployment rate stood at 8.1%.

2. More money to IRRI to continue building their rice gene bank.

3. Reports have it that El Nino weather is receding.

4. Toyota is building a new plant in our backyard.

5. We're better at paying our credit card debts. Maybe our taxes will soon follow.

6. Cebu Pacific is growing, which can only mean lower fares for everyone.

7. Angelina Jolie adopts a Vietnamese boy (So close! Her next child will want a Filipino sister!)

8. They found Satur Ocampo -- on Youtube.

9. Martin Nievera is a Las Vegas headliner.

10. At, may ka-MU na si Mark Herras.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 03:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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Aha! Are you getting bleary-eyed now? Feeling a little amnesia? That's the sensation of learning!

If you guessed Eduardo Flaminiano in the last quiz, then, you are wrong! It's Vicente Magsaysay's ear you're looking at. And, who is Flaminiano anyway?

So, here's your new body part. Take a good look at that nose. It can smell trapo a mile away. It can smell the presidency a mile away.

Who owns this honker?

Take Our Poll from PollDaddy.com

Come back tomorrow for the answers, and a new quiz.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 09:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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The last question might have been too easy, eh? No way is that goofy smile anyone else's other than Ed Angara's! And have you ever seen Tito Sotto without a moustache?

So this time I'm making it a bit harder. Here's today's body part:

Imagine the kind of election cheating strategies and mudslinging tactics this particular ear might have heard? Or, maybe this is the deaf one. Do you think he cleans both of them at the same time for maximum pleasure?

Do you know whose Dumbo ear this belongs to?

Take Our Poll from PollDaddy.com

Come back tomorrow for answers and another quiz!

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 07:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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All right! The last quiz's answer: Those manly arms belong to...

Miguel Zubiri! Yes, a few of you actually chose Loren Legarda because she deserves manly arms! Resty got, er, confused (read comments).

Here's today's body part:

It's deceiving, yes. Is it a smile? Or a grin? Is it smiling with you, or laughing at you? Do you know whose toothy grin this belongs to?

Take Our Poll from PollDaddy.com

Come back tomorrow for answers and another KYSBP Quiz!

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 08:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Do you know whose hand that is that's passing you the P500 bill? Or that eye that's winking back at you? Know your senatorial candidates' body parts and never be caught dumb when rubbing elbows with a future senator!

Here's the first body part:

Do you know whose manly arms these belong to?

Take Our Poll from PollDaddy.com

Come back tomorrow for the answer, together with the next question. Let's work together for better candidate awareness!

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 09:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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I'm tired of calling my services and getting a machine. I get a menu, another menu, and another menu before I actually talk to a human being I can bully.

So I'm asking the readers to post this: the number and directions to whatever service they call (or are used to calling) to get to an actual human being. Leave it in the comments. At some point, when there's enough, I'll compile it on a separate entry.

Here's my two bits to begin with.

1. Zpdee (Sky Cable Internet)

Number: 631-0000

Press: 2

Press: 4

Estimated Savings Time: 21 seconds (there's a lot of advertising in the opening menu, and a secondary menu to boot).

2. HSBC Premier (credit card)

Number: 878-9008

Press: 1

Press: 4

Press: 0

Estimated Savings Time: 18 seconds and an entire day ruined (there are three menus, and the lady talking is a bit too chirpy)

Where are your numbers?

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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There's a reason why Richard Gomez, the pretty, athletic, granola James Bond that he is, should run for senator. Of course, he's exercising his right to do so, being that, despite the awful shame in his bid, this is still a democracy. And, if everyone around him is talking him up to do it, then by all means, let the man run.

But let him lose, too. Because that would make his run worth it. Running, and losing, would validate not only the audacity and absurdity of his enterprise (to some, maybe not, seeing that FPJ, of similar ilk, also ran for office) but of the administration's -- and the entire political circus' -- downright silliness. Gomez losing could mark a turning point in our electorate's consciousness: that, quite possibly, the elections are not just about popularity. I may be too idealistic here, but if you're reading this blog, chances are, you're smart enough not to vote for him.

For one, I'm willing, with all due respect, to wager that Gomez isn't too bright. He may be charismatic -- sometimes that's all you need -- but I think Gomez will get hosed in a debate with Edu Manzano any day. And that's saying a lot about Edu Manzano.

I digress. With the exception of very few, such as Herbert Bautista and Vilma Santos, actors-turned-politicians hardly accomplish anything -- scandalous, or otherwise. For one, they tend not to be opinionated, which requires, at the bare minimum, a desire to read. They tend to indulge in legislating sports, or the entertainment industry (none of them I wish to diminish here), and seem to never have the noggin for things like tax reform and the current account balance. (On the other hand, Gomez would probably do a good job playing a senator.)

On the campaign trail, I would think it's just as easy to belittle Gomez as it is for Gomez to shine in the spotlight. And he will, and everyone will be watching. I can see it now: Lucy Torres, in her Sunsilkiness, will take the stage, gush about her TVidol-turned-husband, and watch him melt the crowd. Just don't make him sing. Please lang.

So, when he loses, it might just be the resounding death knell for all those actors thinking about running. Gomez meets the first cut in becoming a viable candidate. When the voters go out there, and punish him for his ambition, they send a message that even lawyers, crooked until proven otherwise, can make better lawmakers. My hope is that the Filipino will. And even make Willie Revillame think twice.

Now, about those news anchors...

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 07:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)
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I recently had to present a VAT inclusive quote -- something I had never done before, as I've always quoted for my projects net (and the client recomputes the tax, blah, blah).

I'm not a math whiz but I had two different equations.

First, the way I understood it:

Base, or Net(88%) + tax(12%) = Gross

so:

Gross (100%) - tax(12%) = Base, or Net

Now, before any one screams "tax fraud", let me get to a sample computation billing Php 10,000 for simplicity.

10,000/.88 = 11,363 (Gross)

To check,

10,000 + 1,363 =11,363

where

12% of 11,363 = 1,363, leaving you Php 10,000 Net.

Bingo, right? Are you still with me?

Now, I was informed by my client that the BIR strictly does the math a different way:

Base x 112% = Gross

Therefore, billing Php 10,000 net will:

10,000 x 1.12 = 11,200

Okay, 11,200 and 11,363? Which one is correct? Checking the BIR amount:

12% of 11,200 is 1,344

11,200 - 1,344 = 9,856

That's Php 144.00 off from Php 10,000. Yes, Php 1,200 is 12% of Php 10,000, but in that equation, Php 10,000 is 100%. I'm no math genius, so something must be off here.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 02:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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This may be a stretch, because, like the author says, the driving behavior is "unusual", but here seems proof that if we leave space in front of us for traffic to merge, we're actually getting to places faster.

The two gif images below illustrate the idea quite well. The two leftmost lanes is what we see everyday along EDSA -- drivers jockeying for position before a bottleneck (two lanes merging into one). You're lucky if you get through one car at a time.

Just to the right, however, is faster flowing traffic whichstems from larger spacing between cars, and nicer drivers on the right lane allowing traffic to merge their way. Of course, this means that everyone's not behaving like a gorilla. And that merging lanes are marked well ahead of time.

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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I'm making some posters for a UNDP project that has to do with bias against Muslims. My readings have inevitably led me to grim reminders of the violence that results from this AD-long friction: world history is strewn with dead armies and millions of innocent people all having given their lives for their beliefs. Muslims not getting jobs because of their names. Muslims not getting taxi rides because of their headscarves. Okay, sorry.

Alas, I had to look no further than Ruffa Gutierrez for some guiding light. She recalls her husband's (who is Muslim) first Christmas.

Recalled Ruffa, "Nung Christmas Eve, nasa bahay lang kami. Sama-samang pamilya. Nagpakain din kami sa mga mahihirap. Nagpa-staff party din kami. Nagbigay kami ng raffle prizes.

"Pagpasok pa lang niya sa bahay namin sa White Plains, na-shock na siya talaga. Nagpa-catering kami. Yung kinakain namin tsaka yung kinakain ng staff namin, pare-pareho. Lahat kami nag-games, nagpa-prizes. Namigay kami ng TV, appliances, gift baskets. Gusto talaga niyang maiyak."

Wow. TVs! Same food as everyone else! It must *really* be Christmas!

"It's the first time that he celebrated Christmas in his life kaya medyo na-shock-shock siya. He's Muslim. Alam nyo naman sa abroad, they celebrate Christmas, wala lang. Sa Turkey nga they don't even know what's Christmas. Touched na touched siya sa celebrations natin."

The bubbly Ruffa added, "Ako naman, I wanna celebrate all holidays—both Christian and Muslim. Gusto ko mga anak ko lumaki sila knowing all holidays."

So, the spirit of Christmas is:

1. Raffles.

2. Sharing food with your staff.

3. Celebrate all them holidays to show sensitivity for the fact that other people don't celebrate Christmas.

Her family is a shining example of how Muslims and Christians can co-exist! There's hope yet! (Okay, enough. Too easy to make fun of Ruffa.)

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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This is probably the biggest surprise among all my interviewees -- Willy Prilles Jr., who blogs at A Nagueno in the Blogosphere, is a downright funny guy. Here he is, Googling car parts, teaching us Bikolano, pretending to be a Senator, and sending Bulletproofvest a screenshot of his desktop. I couldn't stop laughing, and I can't wait to meet this guy.

Continue reading "Ten Questions with A Nagueno in the Blogosphere" »

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Carlos Celdran takes time out from his walking tours to do 10 Questions with Bulletproofvest. I've honestly never gone on one of his tours but it's so popular among friends that it's one of those "WHAT!?!" things. Shame. By Paolo's (and other's, well, especially Paolo's) standards, Carlos gets off easy with questions on socks, morons he loves to hate, and the best places to eat in Metro Manila for under P500. Still, I'd think this guy would be hilarious doing just about anything, especially if he looks like Nathan Lane.

Here's the interview.

Continue reading "Ten Questions with Carlos Celdran" »

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 06:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
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Teachers, concerned ones, are going to the Supreme Court to challenge a bill that mandates the use of English as the medium of instruction in all subjects (including Filipino?), in what could only be described as: "sapilipinaslangmerongganitongkalokohan", or everyday BS to you and me.

Continue reading "EFL: English as the First Language" »

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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Of course I always get into these conversations, no matter where I am. But lately in almost every Christmas gathering I'm in, I find that people talk inevitably about either one of these people, not for anything positive, but how our lives would be so much more pleasant without them. In fact, last night I was having a Meebo chat with a reader and, voila!

So, my vote is for Kris, of course, who we all should put a stop to. Right away. Jenni is tolerable, and I do like husband Tom's photography. Still, a few disagree and I'll put her name on the ballot. Chico has the most annoying voice on FM radio, ever. And, Maurice Arcache just won't die, huh, palanggas?

I hope you have a hard time picking a winner.

My money's still on Kris. And, Korina Sanchez is my control field to make sure no one cheats.

Tags: Kris+Aquino, Jenni+Epperson, Maurice+Arcache, Korina+Sanchez, Chico, Philippines

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 12:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)
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Long week this. Plus, I've been fighting allergies since Monday. This made me feel a whole lot better.

Enjoy.

Tags: Weng+Weng, Filipino, Philippines, Impossible+Kid

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 07:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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OMG

Endorsement diva Kris Aquino, who had more or less 20 endorsement deals, says the only product missing from her list of advertising gigs is a noodle brand. “Favorite pa naman ni Josh ang noodles,” says Kris.

Josh is Joshua Phillip, her only son, who at age 11 already sports size-40 jeans and size-11 shoes. “Susko, paano pa kaya pag fourteen na siya?” Kris laughs. “Ni hindi pa nga siya nag-e-eleven-years-old, size-11 na ang shoes. Nagsa-size-ten lang siya sa Chuck Taylor’s, kasi medyo malalaki ang size doon. Pero sa ibang brands, size-11 na talaga.”

There were so many things wrong about this that I had to share it.

Tags: Kris+Aquino, panget, maarte, kainis, di+ko+ma+take, Philippines, unico+hijo

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 11:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)
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Since we're so socially-networked, you and I, I have often wondered how we can turn the seemingly pedestrian activity of collecting all your online friends into something worthwhile. Blogging doesn't count.

Carpooling, sorely needed in Manila, could benefit from our social networks. Most people wouldn't want to share their rides with complete strangers -- granted that these two strangers found each other -- but if someone's a "friend of a friend" and the two, or three or more, could share a ride, then I think it's a great way to use our social networks. And take a few cars off the street, get around the number-coding scheme, save gas, preserve the environment, stop the next ice age, blah, blah.

I don't commute everyday, but I imagine a lot of you do. Isn't time to share rides? Anyone out there already doing it?

Tags: Friendster, carpooling, social+networks, philippines, traffic+jams, EDSA

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 07:11 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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I want to award two medals of standup heroism to two people today. One, Renato Constantino, Jr., who stuck it to the man.

And another, somewhat less newsworthy, but noteworthy nonetheless, to Vina Morales, who clocked Borgy Manotoc at Greenbelt for bragging about bedding her.

"Noong pagkakita ko sa kanya tumaas talaga ang presyon ko. Hindi ko po talaga napigilan kung hindi nilapitan ko siya, sinampal ko kaagad. Nagulat din siya tapos sabi niya: 'Oh my God!' Tapos 'yung girlfriend niya tumayo. 'Oh my God! What’s happening?'"

What's happening is that Borgy got b*tch-slapped, that's what. Congratulations. People get what they deserve.

Tags: Vina+Morales, Borgy+Manotoc, Renato+Constantino, Philippines

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 06:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)
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As part of her birthday celebration on Dec. 16, Quezon City Councilor Aiko Melendez is holding a Miss Gay Sinta ng Bayan at the SB Nova Plaza at 8 p.m. on that day. Aiko has invited her friends Gelli de Belen, Carmina Villarroel, Tuesday Vargas, Vhong Navarro, Candy Pangilinan and Sami (of Punchline) as guests of honor. Direk Maryo J. delos Reyes’ new all-male group Engaged will perform. Proceeds from the affair will go to the day-care centers of District 2. Among the sponsors are the Calayan Surgical Clinic, Pepsi Herrera, Avon, Sogo Hotels, Secret Garden Flowers Unlimited, Agua Jana and Bambbi Fuentes.

"This is my birthday treat to my constituents," said Aiko.

I'm secretly hoping that "Gay Sinta ng Bayan" is a typo for "Gay Santa ng Bayan". Man, that would be a great show.

Tags: Philippines, Quezon+City, Gay+Santa, Aiko+Melendez

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 08:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Reluctant master of the iambic pentameter and the Dewey Decimal system, Paolo Manalo, who in very few words, has become one of the most important literary forces in the last half-decade, does 10 fairly odd questions with Bulletproofvest. Paolo about poetry, words in general, tissue paper and a very cryptic reply on Bob Ong's true identity. He also calls Jessica Zafra on who could write the next great Filipino novel.

Continue reading "10 Questions With Paolo Manalo" »

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 12:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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The Pinoy version of sweet potato pie, is that right? No, sweet potatoes are "kamote".

Anyway, some Thanksgiving blues, but I thought I'd ask my readers: anyone done this before? And, can someone share a recipe for it? A kamote pie?

Tags: kamote+pie, cassava, sweet+potato

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 06:40 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)
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Archbishop Oscar Cruz:

"This is a sign from God that perhaps we are not doing things right in our country," Cruz told the Inquirer.

Cruz urged the faithful to view the tragedy in connection with other "man-made" disasters in the country.

"Nothing just happens for no reason," he said in a statement posted at his web blog.
"Nothing just takes place with no meaning at all. Otherwise, God would have no dominion over his creation and creatures. There is no such thing as good or bad luck. Otherwise, God would have no control over man, nature and events. This would be gross blasphemy."

Archbishop Angel Lagdameo does, in my mind, a little better:

"Perhaps, the destruction would not have been as big if only our environment and ecology were strong," he said in Filipino.

"What happens is our natural resources are weakened because of man's negligence.

The guy across the street says:

Well, we get more than a dozen typhoons every year. We ought to be more prepared.

To which the prophetic Cruz would reply:

"Of course, we grieve for the loss of lives. But for all we know, they're in a much better place now. They're with the Lord now."

Are you saying that some of the victims went to hell? Needless to say, Archbishop, they're still dead.

Tags: Reming, Philippines, God, Archbishop+Cruz, Archbishop+Lagdameo

Posted by Bulletproofvest at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)
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