1. First, go for broke: Hostage a group of journalists. You should have gone and done the Binibining Pilipinas Poolside Press Presentation -- even ANC would not have cut away from that for commercials. And the local channels would have stayed with Julius Babao in live coverage. (Ricky Carandang looked disappointed being pulled off the air.)

2. Always bring ice cream, dammit.

3. Next time you ask to talk to a Senator, ask to see Alfredo Lim. And make him wear a tutu.

4. Don't sound like you're leading a Bayan Muna rally. Practice your speech by learning Mike Enriquez's panic-striken cadence and booming tenor.

5. Sell advertising on your cartolina signs. One never knows what lengths advertising will go to to get eyeballs.

6. Make sure you do it again on the same day, so the media will go abuzz every "anniversary" thinking you might go at it again. It'll make sure that there are reporters at your kids' doorsteps every year.

7. You missed something: profess undying love for your wife. Everybody loves a schmuck.

8. You missed another thing: endorse a candidate. Not that Bong Revilla could have used the publicity. In fact, at times he looked like he was "on location".

9. Don't kiss the kids. You look really creepy. Kiss the contestants, though (see #1). That'll be awesome.

10. On your 5th try, bring a cake and call yourself a pro.