I went to the foam factory along Marcos Highway the other weekend, to buy a foam mattress. The errand's author had clearly determined that "firmness" was a high priority for this purchase: make sure that it's firm, but not too firm.

With my interpretation in mind, I put my butt to the test. While I had never used my ass to lead a purchase decision, this trailblazing opportunity will soon prove that my ass will play a more major role than I had initially thought.

Upon arriving at the Uratex factory, I promptly engaged the sales representative. (My apologies to the non-Tagalog speaking readers, this is really more interesting in the local dialect.)

Me: Ano ba po yung mga iba-iba ninyong mga kutyon?

Her: Marami po.

Me: (Pleased that she is clearly intelligent.) Ano yung iba-ibang... tigas?

Her: Meron po kaming soft, firm, extra firm, hard saka perma hard.

Me: (Puzzled.)

Her: Meron din kaming matigas, sir. Pero malambot sa loob.

Me: Ano yung difference ng "firm" sa "hard".

Her: (Matter-of-factly.) Sir, mas matigas yung "hard".

Me: E, ano yung difference ng "extra firm" sa "perma hard"?

Her: Sir, yung permahard po dilaw.

Hence, I put my butt to the test to try to divine their product differentiators. I never sat and squiggled so many times in my life. Never did reflect upon the small but perceptible nuances of shimmying left to right, and rocking back and forth, the latter most useful in divining the significant differences between "hard" and "permahard". Hence, through the wisdom of my gluteus maximus, I had bought my foam mattress and was on my way.