Dear Readers,

Today, for show and tell, I brought my gout to class. It sucks to have gout, like a big mountain of ass.

I found out, after several heavy interrogations, that I have a rich family history of gout. Both sides have it, and developed it at an early age, and now I am reaping what my forefathers (and mothers) sowed. No more sardines for you!

For those of you who do not know what gout is, look it up. That's what Google is for.

The picture actually shows it in remission (and some nice, healthy hangnails). Gout is treated three ways. First, there's the Cruise missile Allopurinol, which lowers the uric acid, which when there's too much in your system, acid crystals form in your joints, that is, gout. Second, they send in the "bunkerbusters" -- the Colchicine, which is dope that's been around as for long as people can scream "gonorrhea!" It melts the acid crystals, I've been told. Finally, there's the "shock and awe" part of the treatment, which are the painkillers. I was given Cox-2 inhibitors, which I've been told will work well on the pain, but can kill me later of a massive heart attack.

All that aside, I couldn't take the Cox-2 stuff because I'm allergic to it. So I had to deal with the pain. One patient said it was like "walking on your eyeballs." That's not funny, dick.

So, the part where Gene Hackman appears and says, "Sonny, this will get worse before it gets better," is now upon me. Colchicine gave me severe diarrhea. I know what diarrhea is, now I know what "severe friggin diarrhea" is. The manfuacturers label never paints an accurate picture of the godawful truth.

Now, I don't want to get into the details, but I found out how clockwork the human body is: I had to take a dump every 26 minutes! Fascinating if this was the Discovery Channel, but the few steps I had to take to the bathroom, hobbling painfully with my gout-ridden toe, was like the best episode of "Chaotic."

On the upside, my three days in bed gave me a chance to catch up with "Battlestar Galactica," Joss Whedon's "Firefly" and took in a few Miyazawa shorts.

Tags: Philippines, gout, Colchicine