Bulletproofvest

Yesterday I met David Sedaris. He read an excerpt from his book, saying the words "Jesus" and "fucked up" in one sentence. The signing was at the Shangri-la Mall, and that thrilled me to no end.

He also talked about a trip to Makati Cinema Square, liking it to an oncologist looking for a tumor. And, watching cockfighting live on TV the other night was a treat: "There was this one rooster whose both eyes were gouged out. The announcer says: "That was a costly mistake for Romeo!" I'd say!" He also saw a taping of Wowowee, remarking that it's very different from Jeopardy! where you know you've won $4,000 but here in this show you actually see the $4,000 and it's an armload of cash!

I blocked out all the hoopla around the signing, which featured a very bored crowd and an MC who was, sadly, not a hit. (Good reason to block it out!) Here's my best recollection:

David: Hi!

Me: Hi! David... Benito.

David: What did you say your name was?

Me: Benito, like the Italian fascist dictator.

David: [smiles] Oh, Benito.

Me: Just like "burrito."

David: [smiles] Right.

David: [seeing that my book was bought at The Strand] So you were in New York. What were you doing there?

Me: I was...

David: What do you do, Benito?

Me: I make heroin. Can't you smell the bleach?

David: [smiles]

Me: I'm a graphic designer. Spent some time in upstate New York too. I know you're from there.

David: What were you doing there?

Me: I went to school there, in Syracuse.

David: Oh, you went to my Dad's college. [He then writes, in "Naked" Benito, You went to my dad's school. - David Sedaris]

Me: [As David signs] You know how you thought Makati Cinema Square was like looking for a tumor? Well, go to Divisoria, it's the crotch of Manila. It's dank, hairy and smells like piss all the time.

David: [Quickly flipping to his notebook] Where was that? Di...

Me: Divisoria. D-I-V-I-S-O-R-I-A.

David: Thanks, I'll make sure.

David's Assistant: We're going to Chinatown tomorrow, so we'll go there too.

David: Great. [Turns to me] And what else?

Me: Try Nayon Pilipino. It's every landmark and tourist trap in the Philippines miniaturized. Like Legoland.

David: [Back at his notebook and writes "Nayon Philipino"] That's perfect.

David's Assistant: They closed it, I think.

David: Let me explain to you what I wrote. "Forza Italia" was Berlusconi's slogan, and now everytime Italians see it, they are completely disgusted by it. In fact, if it was written in a book, Italians would go out and replace that with a new one. [smiles]

Me: Okay, I get it. Thanks, David.

David: And, you know how when people here say they live near the airport. Well, they really do!

Me: Yup, they do. And even if I'm just 10 miles away from the airport. It takes me an hour to get there.

David: Thanks for the tips, Benito!