I've been waking up to hives in various places all over my body. Some the size of pencil erasers, some the size of quarters, occasionally the size of a very large piece of salami. I get it on my back, my arms, and some parts of the body that take more than three words to identify.

I don't remember getting hives like this with such frequency in my allergy-tainted history. I am allergic to all sorts of things, which often complicates the most simple of matters. For example, I am allergic to pineapple. Yes, pineapple. For those of you unfamiliar with the Philippines, we are as pineapple as Columbia is to coffee (and other useful crops). In fact, I've always wondered why natural selection did not take of my allergy to pineapple, having been surrounded by so much of the plant.

There was indeed one party, Filipino of course, where there was pineapple in the pizza, the spaghetti and the punch. I had water and some crackers, although I do know that this was some sick joke from the birthday celebrant.

Shellfish (or sea critters) is another intolerable food. That includes shrimp (although to a lesser extent), crab and lobster. Sometimes, too much bagoong gets me too. Again, having been born in a country of 7,100 islands (and my ancestors of the same descent), there must have been some grand celestial error somewhere.

I am also allergic to most painkillers known to man except acetaminophen, paracetamol and vodka. I am most allergic to aspirin and morphine-based drugs, which causes several disfiguring catastrophes and an incapacity to excrete bodily fluids. This also makes me a nightmare patient: I have been given drugs that I'm allergic to which would be then complemented by cortisone and benadryl, my drug of choice.

Which brings me back to my hives, which go away when benedryl is taken. I read up on it and I discovered that it can be caused by literally anything: sudden heat, sudden cold, perspiration, dust, even lupus, ADHD, ED, blinding light, stress, male pattern baldness, a fear of death, soap, out-of-body experiences, alien abduction, and horror of horrors, television.

I would in fact need to investigate hence the cause of my hives, which will be, I imagine, a long drawn out process of elimination. It could also be impossible: spring is turning, so that is suspect, but how do I control "springnessness" to determine if that was the cause? What if I was allergic to freshly-ground coffee? I'd surely die!