As part of receiving our Marriage License from the Philippine Government, we had to sit through 4 hours of a "Pre-Marital Seminar on Community Building". Our expectations were very low: crowded room, no air-conditioning and I was coming down with fever-like symptoms (most likely the alternating heat and rain). The first half of the seminar was torture: a man named Wenceslao Cortez rambled on about how marriage is a union of God and man and the triangle that is the sacrament of marriage. Of course, this was a way to please the anti-contraception (Catholic) critics of the government's population control campaign. But it clearly had no place in a seminar hosted by the Department of Health, and the session was slightly less excruciating than chewing glass.

But the family planning seminar itself (the second half of the afternoon) was a wonderful and inspiring (not to mention surprisingly well-crafted) witness to how far health and sexual education has come in this predominantly Catholic (and therefore conservative by default) country. I tip my hat to the former nurse-turned-social worker now standing before us who is obviously schooled in the art of health communication. The wooden penis foretold the imminent glee.

(My apologies to the non-Filipino reader: there are quotes here that are best left in Tagalog.)

She kicks off by making everyone know what Family Planning means:

"Family Planning is not contraception, it is about the health and welfare of your family."

These are the basic tenets, she says, and contraception is just part of the dream of every single person in the room, that is, the healthy, happy, prosperous family. Nods all over.

Then, after prefacing with a piece on how this seminar might be maselan to other people, she gets right down to it:

"Ano-ano ba ang tawag sa reproductive organs nang lalake?"

A hush from the room of about 30 future newlyweds. Then someone breaks the silence: "Titi!" Then, someone else says: "Ari!" Then, someone says: "Etits!" And the ball is, er, rolling.

She goes through much discussion of puberty ("Ano-anong pagbabago sa lalake na nagsisilbing hudyat na maaari na syang mag-conceive?" "Lumalalim ang boses, very good." "Nagkakabulbul. Very good.") and fertility, and shares only the details we need to know (ably referring to the Family Health Centers as a source of further information on the topic).

The most remarkable part of her seminar was how she emphasized matters that one would normally take for granted -- indicative of how aware she is of the socio-economic make up of her audience.

"Sa babae, importante ang foreplay. Ano ba ang foreplay? Ang lalake kasi, konting tukso lang, konti himas ready to fight na. Pero ang babae, parang mantika yan. Kailangan iniinit muna, bago magluto."

She goes on to describe how the men should learn how to caress and fondle ("Importanteng hinihimas ang clitoris (pointing to the body part in the diagram) para maging-wet ang babae.") the woman, because in her words:

"Ang babae kailangan nang romansa. Kundi, hindi sya ma-sasatisfy sa pagtatalik nyo. Konting halikan. Kurutin mo ang utong nya. Kasi, ang pagtatalik, hindi one-way. Kailangan, pareho kayong liligaya."

Then, she points to the anus: "This is not an alternative, okay!" Chuckles in the room. But she cautions:

"Marami sa inyo, baka nabasa nyo sa magazine, o kaya napanood ninyo sa X-rated, na pwedeng mamangka sa anus. Bahala kayo kung saan kayo masaya. Ang importante lang e masaya kayo pareho." Some people were shocked. I, of course, was delighted with all this liberalism. After all, this scathology thrills me.

"However," she continues, "kayong mga lalake, wag ninyong ipapasok sa puwet tapos saka ipapasok sa vagina! Magkaka-infection ang misis ninyo! Baka sa honeymoon ninyo di kayo makapaghoneymoon nang todo-todo." Someone in the room said: "Saka labag sa Bibliya ang sodomy." She completely ignores the remark.

At this point, I wanted to ask her to be our godmother.

Hold on, there's more.

In the question and answer portion, a lady in front of us asked: "Kapag bagong panganak kayo, maam, gaano katagal bago po kayo pweding gamitin ulit nang asawa ninyo?" My jaw dropped. Like I said, you cannot take for granted the mindset and understanding of any of the listeners. Some of them barely had education. The lecturer answers: "Bahala kayo kung kelan, pero dapat ang inununa mo e yung pangangalaga nang katawan mo. So, kung di ka pa handa, wag muna kayong magtalik ni mister."

Another question: "Maaari po bang magka prostate cancer sa over sex?" She replied: "Yes, it's possible." I had to ask: "How over is 'over'?" She replied: "E kung tatlong beses sa isang araw, medyo over na yon. Pero mapapansin mo naman sa katawan mo kung nahihirapan ka na."

At the end of the session, she reminded everyone that this seminar was by Presidential Decree. Everyone is entitled to their own way of raising a family. "Ang importante e nalalaman ninyo ang paraan na pag plano nang pamilya, at na may mga safe and effective means to do so."

I heard her loud and clear.